Jokes Board - Good, clean, funny jokes - Hosted by Jools
Please read the Discussion Board Rules before participating in the discussion boards.
Current Poll
| Vote for you favourite Halloween Joke. | |
| Have you seen the twin witches? I can’t tell witch is witch! | 22% |
| What do you call two witches sharing an apartment? Broom-mates | 19% |
| What did one ghost say to the other? Get a life! | 19% |
| Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula? Because he is a pain in the neck. | 11% |
| What is a ghost favorite lunch meat? Booloney. | 11% |
| What happens when a vampire tries to trick or treat in the snow? Frost bite. | 7% |
| What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A blood orange. | 7% |
| What's the best Halloween treat? Spookies and milk | 4% |
| (Knock, knock) - Who's there? Trick or treat! | 0% |
| What do you call s skeleton that likes to tell jokes? A funny bone | 0% |
| [ 27 votes ] [ More Polls ] | |
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Current theme:-
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Current theme:- 
Shopping Jokes 
Post your favourite jokes, cartoons and funny stories on any subject, anytime
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Board Rules:
1. You are welcome to post other non-contest Jokes on this board anytime, but please note in your post if it is NOT for the contest
2. There will be a poll for subscribers to vote for their favorite contest jokes
3. PLEASE choose Post a new comment when you enter your joke as it makes it easier to put up a poll
4. Only one entry per player will be eligible. If a player posts more than one, the first or specified joke will be used
"Please remember to keep it clean folks"
| Merry Christmas 2024 | (unknown photo)1 | (unknown photo)2 | (unknown photo)3 | (unknown photo)4 | (unknown photo)5 |
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Subscribe(#5648673) Re: New theme
(#5648482) Re: New theme
(#5648400) Re: New theme
(#5646960) Re: Calcetines
Posted by Jools on 21 Nov 2024 at 9:17AM
It certainly does help to Speak Spanish, luckily we have google translate 
(#5646954) Calcetines
Posted by fatdaddy on 21 Nov 2024 at 8:06AM
(This joke works best if you speak Spanish)
A Mexican man walks into a men's store, looks around, finds a salesman and says "Busco calccetines".
The salesman says "I'm afraid I don't speak Spanish. No habler Espanol."
"Busco calcetines."
The salesman decides he'll try the process of elimination. He picks up a belt.
"No. Calcetines."
He takes el señor to another section and picks up a bandana.
"¡No! ¡Calcetines!"
He takes him to the shoe department and as they pass by the rack of socks the hombre picks up a pair and says "Eso si que es."
Where upon the salesman asks "Why didn't you spell it in the first place?"
A Mexican man walks into a men's store, looks around, finds a salesman and says "Busco calccetines".
The salesman says "I'm afraid I don't speak Spanish. No habler Espanol."
"Busco calcetines."
The salesman decides he'll try the process of elimination. He picks up a belt.
"No. Calcetines."
He takes el señor to another section and picks up a bandana.
"¡No! ¡Calcetines!"
He takes him to the shoe department and as they pass by the rack of socks the hombre picks up a pair and says "Eso si que es."
Where upon the salesman asks "Why didn't you spell it in the first place?"
(#5646719) Re: New theme
(#5646705) Re: New theme
(#5646584) Re: New theme
Posted by jroyster on 19 Nov 2024 at 3:23PM
While at Walmart, I asked the Pharmacy staff where I might find one of those at home health tests you send to a lab for analysis.
The Pharmacy Tech looked both ways and then whispered to me, "I'm not suppose to tell you this, but you don't need that kit." He then proceeded to tell me how to do my own test for free. "Just pee under a tree, and then come back in three or four days:
- If ants have gathered, you've got diabetes.
- If the grass dries up, it's high salts, and you've got heart disease.
- If it smells like BBQ, your cholesterol is high.
- And if you forgot to pull up your pants, you've got Alzheimer's.
The Pharmacy Tech looked both ways and then whispered to me, "I'm not suppose to tell you this, but you don't need that kit." He then proceeded to tell me how to do my own test for free. "Just pee under a tree, and then come back in three or four days:
- If ants have gathered, you've got diabetes.
- If the grass dries up, it's high salts, and you've got heart disease.
- If it smells like BBQ, your cholesterol is high.
- And if you forgot to pull up your pants, you've got Alzheimer's.
(#5646131) Re: New theme
Posted by KG_2020 on 17 Nov 2024 at 11:05AM
At a large department store a manager was coming onto the sales floor when he heard an associate tell a woman "we haven't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll get any anytime soon.". The woman thanked the associate and left.
Horrified, the manager pulled the associate aside and instructed "Never, never tell a customer we're out of something! Tell them it's on order. Now what was it she wanted?"
The reply came "She asked about rain. I told her we hadn't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll get any anytime soon."
Horrified, the manager pulled the associate aside and instructed "Never, never tell a customer we're out of something! Tell them it's on order. Now what was it she wanted?"
The reply came "She asked about rain. I told her we hadn't had any for awhile and it doesn't look like we'll get any anytime soon."
(#5645205) Re: New theme
Posted by PattyMac on 13 Nov 2024 at 1:53PM
Why doesn’t Garth Brooks shop at Home Depot?
Because he has friends in Lowe’s places.
Because he has friends in Lowe’s places.
(#5645173) Re: New theme
Posted by Jools on 13 Nov 2024 at 11:03AM
My wife was on eBay all day today. If she's still there by the weekend I'll reduce the price!
(#5645172) New theme
Posted by Jools on 13 Nov 2024 at 10:59AM
As Black Friday is nearly upon us, let's have some jokes about Sales and Shopping
{ Image: www.kyozou.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/whyatt-we-usually-shop-in-the-comfort-of-our-own-5255850.png }
{ Image: www.kyozou.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/whyatt-we-usually-shop-in-the-comfort-of-our-own-5255850.png }
(#5645171) Time to vote
(#5645170) Poll Winner
Posted by Jools on 13 Nov 2024 at 10:56AM
We have a winner!
For the last poll, Vote for you favourite School Joke
Congratulations to eliphont551 with her entry "What did the eraser say after the first day of school? I don’t think I’m going to make it to graduation!" with (26%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!
We have a winner! 
For the last poll, Vote for you favourite School Joke
Congratulations to eliphont551 with her entry "What did the eraser say after the first day of school? I don’t think I’m going to make it to graduation!" with (26%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!
(#5644841) Re: Science question
(#5644782) Re: Science question
(#5644680) Re: Science question
Posted by KG_2020 on 11 Nov 2024 at 9:12AM
A lot of the laughs I've gotten have come from playing it straight.
(#5644675) Re: Science question
Posted by Pinksmoke on 11 Nov 2024 at 8:24AM
Books just having a conversation as no one has posted any jokes yet. Eases the boredom.
(#5644674) Re: Science question
(#5644613) Re: Science question
Posted by Jools on 11 Nov 2024 at 1:54AM
Just a reminder, this is the jokes board so the original post was made in jest
(#5644560) Re: Science question
Posted by fatdaddy on 10 Nov 2024 at 6:16PM
Were you taught phonics in elementary school?
I'm just 9 years your jr.
I'm just 9 years your jr.
(#5644444) Re: Science question
Posted by Pinksmoke on 10 Nov 2024 at 7:32AM
At 77 years old, all I learned in elementary school was " I before except after c" I know today the why of it but it is not what we learned back then.
(#5644328) Re: Science question
Posted by fatdaddy on 9 Nov 2024 at 2:20PM
Neighbor's diphthong is the "a" sound.
"I before E except after C
or when sounded like A as in neighbor or weigh"
"I before E except after C
or when sounded like A as in neighbor or weigh"
(#5644221) Re: Science question
(#5644117) Re: Science question
Posted by fatdaddy on 8 Nov 2024 at 4:00PM
Maybe that rule doesn't apply as both of the two letters are pronounced.
(#5644072) Re: Science question
(#5644066) Science question
Posted by bestgremlin on 8 Nov 2024 at 1:11PM
If "i before e except after c",
shouldn't it be spelled "sceince" ???
If "i before e except after c",
shouldn't it be spelled "sceince" ???
(#5641503) Re: New theme - Halloween
(#5641490) Re: New theme - Halloween
Posted by jroyster on 29 Oct 2024 at 3:32PM
Sorry, that was the joke, the whole joke, and nothing but the joke. This time of year, people knock on your door and say "trick or treat"
Sorry, that was the joke, the whole joke, and nothing but the joke. This time of year, people knock on your door and say "trick or treat"
(#5641417) Re: New theme - Halloween
(#5641380) Re: New theme - Halloween
(#5641343) Re: New theme - Halloween
(#5640413) Re: New theme - Halloween
Posted by Sundrop kid on 25 Oct 2024 at 6:29AM
What do you call s skeleton that likes to tell jokes?
A funny bone
A funny bone
(#5640239) Pronunciation
Posted by Cinnamon on 24 Oct 2024 at 2:29PM
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an “L” so hard than when I just asked the Home Depot guy where I could get some Caulk
(Not for the contest)
(Not for the contest)
(#5640206) New Theme - Halloween
Posted by HeartOnFire on 24 Oct 2024 at 10:50AM
What do you call two witches sharing an apartment? Broommates
What do you call two witches sharing an apartment? Broommates
(#5640090) Navy joke
Posted by Cinnamon on 24 Oct 2024 at 12:45AM
An admiral is staring off the deck of his battleship at the approaching enemy on the horizon.
“Fetch my red shirt,” the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t
want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”
“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of 15 ships coming right for us.”
“Oh,” the admiral sighs. “Well, in that case go grab my brown pants.”
😂
(Not for the contest)
“Fetch my red shirt,” the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t
want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”
“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of 15 ships coming right for us.”
“Oh,” the admiral sighs. “Well, in that case go grab my brown pants.”
😂
(Not for the contest)
(#5640088) 1 minute
Posted by Cinnamon on 24 Oct 2024 at 12:20AM
How long is one minute?
It depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on
(Not for the contest)
It depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on
(Not for the contest)
(#5640083) Random Corny Joke 🫣😂
Posted by Cinnamon on 23 Oct 2024 at 11:29PM
(Not for contest)
Why did the baby cookie cry?
Because its mother had been a wafer so long.
Now that’s what they call a crumb-y joke
Why did the baby cookie cry?
Because its mother had been a wafer so long.
Now that’s what they call a crumb-y joke
(#5640002) Re: New theme - Halloween
(#5639996) Re: New theme - Halloween
(#5639931) Re: New theme - Halloween
(#5639921) Theme 4 Halloween waiting on approval
(#5639914) Re: New theme - Halloween
(#5639913) Re: New theme - Halloween
Posted by PattyMac on 23 Oct 2024 at 10:23AM
Why didn't anyone want to go trick or treating with Dracula?
Because he is a pain in the neck.
Because he is a pain in the neck.
(#5639912) Re: New theme - Halloween
Posted by Big Giant Head on 23 Oct 2024 at 10:19AM
What happens when a vampire tries to trick or treat in the snow?
Frost bite.
Frost bite.
(#5639911) New theme - Halloween
Posted by Jools on 23 Oct 2024 at 10:17AM
To celebrate Halloween
we have a bonus for this month.
As well as a change to win the usual Board Tokens, everyone who enters will also receive a random Halloween token from a previous year.
So get your jokes posted
To celebrate Halloween
we have a bonus for this month.As well as a change to win the usual Board Tokens, everyone who enters will also receive a random Halloween token from a previous year.
So get your jokes posted
(#5639033) Animal jokes winners
Posted by Jools on 20 Oct 2024 at 11:25AM
We have a winner!
For the last poll, Vote for you favourite Animal Joke
Congratulations to RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack with their entry "What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine."
And KG_2020 with "What's worse then a giraffe with a sore neck? A centipede with fallen arches." Both with (18%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!
We have a winner!
For the last poll, Vote for you favourite Animal Joke
Congratulations to RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack with their entry "What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine."
And KG_2020 with "What's worse then a giraffe with a sore neck? A centipede with fallen arches." Both with (18%) of the vote.
Look out for a winner's token on your profile soon!
(#5638579) Re: Time to vote
(#5638544) Re: Time to vote
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 18 Oct 2024 at 2:06AM
It's been over a month, when will this poll close?
(#5630352) Re: I just wanted to share this funny
(#5630323) I just wanted to share this funny
(#5629107) Re: New theme - School Jokes
Posted by jd91 on 6 Sep 2024 at 1:36PM
Did you hear about the biscuit who went to school?
They were one smart cookie, but then so were it's parents so it was just a chocolate chip off the old block
They were one smart cookie, but then so were it's parents so it was just a chocolate chip off the old block
(#5629098) Re: Billybob
(#5629053) Re: Billybob
(#5629048) Billybob
Posted by ladyvic on 6 Sep 2024 at 6:50AM
Billybob: “My math teacher is crazy”. Mother: “Why?”
Billybob: “Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1 and then today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2.”
Billybob: “Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1 and then today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2.”
(#5629046) Re: New theme - School Jokes
Posted by eliphont551 on 6 Sep 2024 at 6:28AM
What did the eraser say after the first day of school?
I don’t think I’m going to make it to graduation!
What did the eraser say after the first day of school?
I don’t think I’m going to make it to graduation!
(#5629040) New theme - School Jokes
Posted by Jools on 6 Sep 2024 at 6:06AM
With the kids going back to school, it's time for for favourite jokes on schools or education
With the kids going back to school, it's time for for favourite jokes on schools or education
(#5627313) Time to vote
(#5626665) Animal Jokes
(#5626644) Re: New theme - Animal Jokes
(#5626551) any more entries?
(#5626550) Re: New theme - Animal Jokes
(#5626005) Re: Easter Jokes
(#5625967) Easter Jokes
Posted by hoot on 24 Aug 2024 at 5:30AM
Why did the rabbit go to the hair salon? She found a few too many gray hares!
(#5625862) Re: Looking for some Easter jokes
(#5625861) Re: Happy Easter 🐰
(#5624686) Re: Animal joke
Posted by jroyster on 18 Aug 2024 at 11:28AM
I thought fo rsure the punch line was going to be, "I can't do that in the seat you give me!"
(#5624662) Animal joke
Posted by Pinksmoke on 18 Aug 2024 at 8:25AM
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and rollover. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
(#5624337) Re: New theme - Animal Jokes
Posted by jroyster on 16 Aug 2024 at 6:23PM
I'm going to put 6,000 years of wondering to rest. I ordered a Chicken and an Egg on Amazon. I'll let you know.
(#5624240) Re: New theme - Animal Jokes
Posted by KG_2020 on 16 Aug 2024 at 9:46AM
What's worse then a giraffe with a sore neck?
A centipede with fallen arches.
A centipede with fallen arches.
(#5624159) Animal joke
Posted by Cinnamon on 15 Aug 2024 at 6:08PM
(from Cloggergirl)
Do regular dogs see German Shepherds and think, "Oh No, it's the cops!!"
Do regular dogs see German Shepherds and think, "Oh No, it's the cops!!"
(#5621763) Animal Jokes
Posted by transfusion on 4 Aug 2024 at 11:42AM
Why dod Hummingbirds Hum?
Because they don't know the words
Because they don't know the words
(#5621710) Re: New theme - Animal Jokes
(#5621634) Re: New theme - Animal Jokes
Posted by PattyMac on 3 Aug 2024 at 4:57PM
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
(#5621611) Re: New theme - Animal Jokes
Posted by RabidWolff of the Wolf Pack on 3 Aug 2024 at 3:13PM
.
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
(#5621607) Duck
Posted by ladyvic on 3 Aug 2024 at 3:09PM
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."
A: "Put it on my bill."
(#5621568) Re: New theme - Animal Jokes
(#5621565) New theme - Animal Jokes
(#5620358) Re: (no subject)
to (#5620238) (no subject)
(#5618590) Re: (no subject)
(#5618430) Time to Vote on TIME - Jokes in Message
- Jokes in Message
Posted by PattyMac on 20 Jul 2024 at 6:07AM
Cinnamon
How long is one minute?
It depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
marcmandy
How long is one minute?
60 seconds or, if you’re counting: 6000000000 nano seconds
monkeytyper
The most popular time to go to the dentist is tooth-hurty.
Lil Red
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in front of a clock?
Time will tell
PattyMac
What did the clock do after eating?
It went back four seconds
TaUrUsRoSe
Why did the girl sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time.
ladyvic
What do you call it when you put a clock under your desk?
Answer: Working overtime.
How long is one minute?
It depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
marcmandy
How long is one minute?
60 seconds or, if you’re counting: 6000000000 nano seconds
monkeytyper
The most popular time to go to the dentist is tooth-hurty.
Lil Red
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in front of a clock?
Time will tell
PattyMac
What did the clock do after eating?
It went back four seconds
TaUrUsRoSe
Why did the girl sit on her watch?
She wanted to be on time.
ladyvic
What do you call it when you put a clock under your desk?
Answer: Working overtime.